... isn't going to plan.
I'm already over three weeks behind, and I only started it three weeks ago.
Now, the new-years resolutionary proper grown up me is not going to throw her toys out of the pram, give up and eat lots of chocolate. No, she's just going to give up and eat lots of chocolate. But that's probably only because resolutionary proper grown ups like me don't have prams any more.
But, if I'm going to finish that half-ironperson in September, I have to finish a half marathon. Which means I have to train for it, whether I want to or not.
I had a similar problem last year, when I signed up for that Olympic distance triathlon. I didn't manage a single 10k run until the actual day itself. And to be honest I didn't manage to run 10k then either. OK it was because my trousers fell down and I had to stop to roll them up, but then I couldn't start again because I was tired, cold, wet and miserable. It took a man dressed as a banana overtaking me to get me started again (I was hungry too).
I don't want to be in the same position this year. Partly because there won't be any inspirational men dressed as fruit to help me along (although I might ask CS to don his strawberry outfit, he hasn't worn that in a while...), but also because I really want this. Really.
So what did I do wrong last year? I think I know the answer - I didn't have a training plan. In fact I didn't have any sort of plan at all. The only running objective I set was to find clothes to match my pukey green minimalist shoes. And the only thing I found was a tennis dress, which I bought in one size smaller than I was at the time. I guess I've made progress of a sort - it's now two sizes too small.
So this year I decided to get myself one of those training plan thingies. But where from? I'm now lucky enough to know a load of lovely people who can run long distances - Inspirational Steve, Inspirational Kurt, Inspirational CS, to name just a few. Funny how they all have the same first name*. But they are all naturally GOOD at running. Yes, even CS. Kurt was running before he was born, Steve taught himself to run by running lots until he bled, and then he ran some more. It took me two years to build up to running 5k in one go. CS managed to complete his first 5k on his first ever run, and he was the one encouraging me to keep up.
Nope, I can't ask for help from real people - it's just too humiliating.
So I turned to t'internet for help. That was pretty humiliating too. The first half-marathon training programme I chose was aimed at beginners. I suspect that they need to look up the word "beginner" in the dictionary, as day 1 of week 1 involved running 10 miles. If I could run 10 miles in one go I wouldn't need a half-marathon training programme, even if it is for beginners.
The second one I found involved running six times a week, sometimes twice a day. Maybe this sounds a bit pants, but it's the thought of running six times a week, sometimes twice a day that makes me think about not running AT ALL. One of the reasons why I do triathlons is so because I only have to run for 1/3 of it, and that's at the end. How on earth am I supposed to train for the cycling and the swimming if I'm running all the time? Nope, look again.
The third one looked a bit more promising. It involved running three times a week. Tick! The first run was 3k. Tick! And it said that I would be able to complete a half-marathon in 24 weeks. Ooops! I've already signed up for my first half-marathon, and that is on 7th April. That was only 13 weeks away then, and that number is only getting smaller....
Finally, after much more humiliation than I thought possible (especially as I had specifically tried to avoid humiliation), I found something. "It's the Runners World 12 Week Half-Marathon Training Plan for Slow Numpties", and it's here.....
.... Um, actually, I've lost the link. Maybe that's part of the problem. When I do find it, I will link it HERE,
So, back to square 1.
* I tried to think of another word for inspirational, but couldn't. However www.thesaurus.com came up with...
adorning, advancing, artistic, beautifying, beneficial, broadening, civilizing, constructive, corrective, developmental, dignifying, disciplining, edifying, educative, elevating, ennobling, enriching, expanding, glorifying, helpful, humanizing, influential, instructive, learned, liberal, liberalizing, nurturing, ornamenting, polishing, promoting, raising, refined, refining, regenerative, socializing,stimulating, uplifting, widening, annoying, challenging, disturbing, exciting, galling, goading, heady, incensing, inciting, influential, insulting, intoxicating, offensive, outrageous, provoking, pushing, spurring, stimulating, arousing, awakening, dynamic, electrifying, emotional, exhilarating, gripping, heartbreaking, heartrending, motivating, provoking, stimulating, and last but no means least - the slightly disturbing touching.
I also tried to think of another word for thesaurus but couldn't. www.thesaurus.com came up with "language reference book". That's cheating.
